After leaving my parents’ house, I was still disorganized.
Even though I was motivated, even though I tried, order always felt just out of reach.
I was convinced that if I could just be more disciplined, everything would finally fall into place.
When I discovered Marie Kondo and other organizing frameworks, things finally started to change.
For the first time, I realized that putting things away is only one part of the process and that I had been missing what comes before it.
That insight changed how I approached tidying.
So here are the three pillars of tidying, in the order that actually works.
Pillar #1 — Decluttering
The more things you have, the more effort it takes to keep them organized and clean.
That’s a simple truth that I didn’t fully understand until I was 46.
That’s a long time spent trying to organize excess.
When there are too many things, the system collapses.
Putting things away becomes exhausting, no matter how motivated you are.
Children feel this even more.
Too many choices overwhelm their nervous system, and they become tense or distracted.
Pillar #2 — Organization Systems
Systems work best when they fit the person using them.
When a system is too complex, it eventually breaks down. The solution isn’t more effort or more discipline. It’s creating a system that actually works for us, day after day.
This matters even more with children.
It’s easy to overestimate what they can remember or understand. We may set up systems that require too many steps, rely on memory, or assume knowledge we’ve never fully explained.
And even when we do explain, understanding isn’t a one-time event.
A system needs to be practiced many times before it feels familiar, and much longer before it becomes automatic.
That’s just how learning works.
Pillar #3 — Putting Things Away
Putting things away is the final step, but most of us focus on that first.
This is where consistency matters. Not through big efforts, but through small, repeatable habits over time. A short reset at the end of the day. A simple process that stays the same. Sometimes, even turning it into a game, so it feels lighter and more approachable.
This is also where expectations matter.
For children, putting things away independently can take years. Even when they’re capable, they may still need support. Sometimes, starting is the hardest part.
My son is 11 now, and he still asks for my help. Sometimes I join him. Other times I don’t. But I always do something small to help him get started.
Starting a difficult task together helps your child feel supported.
It doesn’t delay their independence. It makes it possible.
One small thing you can do today
Before trying to fix the mess, get curious.
You need to know what part of the process is breaking down.
Pick one item that’s out of place and ask yourself:
Is there an obvious, consistent place for it to go?
Does it fit there easily, without forcing or rearranging?
Does my child know what to do with it when they’re done?
Does my child have more items in this category than they can reasonably manage?
In the next three articles in this series, we’ll look at the three pillars:
Pillar #1: Decluttering With Children: What to Avoid
Pillar #2: Before Kids Can Tidy, They Need a System
Pillar #3: The Humble Work of Putting Things Away
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