Very poignant, Debbie. I think your childhood like that of most other children...because most adults are not adept at handling their emotions. Well, they weren't in the past. Not so sure about now.
This mantra: “Everything is better after a night’s sleep" is one I think I've heard before. Isn't it amazing how children can use the smallest things to keep going? It's amazing that you took your experience and come away stronger for it. Bravo!
If a child concludes that emotions are dangerous, avoiding them isn't a flaw. It's a solution.
I actually recently wrote something similar about why I retreat when I'm hurt, which is probably why this resonated so strongly.
It's remarkable how a few beliefs that make perfect sense in childhood can continue shaping us long after the circumstances that created them have changed.
I am truly happy for the trajectory you’ve placed yourself on. This week I’ve been dealing with people in my life that have activated a lot of old patterns. People I care for and love, but the relationship feels more like an obligation, and in situations that for many reasons I can’t walk away. My grownup self is doing a lot of heavy lifting for my inner child who just wants to curl up and cry. I did 😭 and I leaned in to see what part of me still needs a soft place to land. And I am grateful that Substack has become part of that landing. I appreciate you and what you share so much. 🙏❤️
I am part of a self-development group here in Brazil.
One of the things I've learned is that when I choose to grow, many people in my current circle can't or don't want to come along.
People are attached to the version of yourself they know. They need you to stay the same.
I had to completely cut ties with some people because I now have higher standards about how I want to be treated.
With others, we still talk, but it's just a surface-level conversation because we don't have much in common (besides the fact that we care about each other).
The most surprising change that happened is that when I made these changes, I created a void, and it was filled with new people who align with the current version of myself.
That sounds like a wonderful group to be a part of. I totally can see how people around you wants you to stay the same or to meet their expectations. This week a dear elderly friend (who is also my landlady and lives below me) has...how should I say...weaponized the word "family" to maybe guilt me into doing more for her than I feel comfortable with. I feel for her, she lost her husband a few years ago and has been going down hill ever since. She's been a great friend and almost mother figure, but with her mental health deterioration, it has eroded our friendship also. Holding that boundary and managing what's come up for me has been so difficult. And because of our living situation, cutting ties is more complicated. I've been in the personal growth space on Substack, reading about "abandoning of the self" and being reminded that "I don't have to absorb this." I've taken in what you wrote here and will stay optimistic that things will evolve and I'll just keep on following my heart and continue to grow from this experiences.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I know how hard it is. ❤️
The thing with setting limits is that it may lead to undesirable consequences.
Setting limits was always hard. About two years ago, I decided I need to do it with everyone.
In some cases it was effortless.
But I had one friend who didn't take it well. We don't speak any more. She only wanted my old version, the one she could feel superior to.
For me, it was a shock, and I felt a huge loss. I still feel the sadness sometimes. I was also surprised with my determination not to stay in a situation I had outgrown.
But the sense of freedom I felt after everything was said and done was bigger than the sadness.
I'll write a post about this, it's already on my content calendar.
What you described about your father, that his encouragement was the ceiling of what he could offer, stayed with me. He gave you the only tool he had. And you still had to build the rest yourself, at night, alone, with a mantra and a hope that sleep would reset things.
That's not a small thing to have carried.
The cycle of avoidance, explosion, and distraction. That's not a character flaw. That's a nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do in an environment where emotions weren't safe.
The fact that you can now see anger as information, guilt as a signal, depression as an outgrown skin, that's not a small shift. That took real work.
Very poignant, Debbie. I think your childhood like that of most other children...because most adults are not adept at handling their emotions. Well, they weren't in the past. Not so sure about now.
This mantra: “Everything is better after a night’s sleep" is one I think I've heard before. Isn't it amazing how children can use the smallest things to keep going? It's amazing that you took your experience and come away stronger for it. Bravo!
Things have definitely changed nowadays. There are books and a lot more understanding about emotions.
Many people are working through them.
It's a better world than the time I, or my parents grew up.
That's why I have so much compassion and understanding for everything that happened in the past.
I share it with the hope we all recognize the patterns and change them so we can create more peace and joy and better relationships.
Thank you for reading my post and commenting. I appreciate it. ❤️
If a child concludes that emotions are dangerous, avoiding them isn't a flaw. It's a solution.
I actually recently wrote something similar about why I retreat when I'm hurt, which is probably why this resonated so strongly.
It's remarkable how a few beliefs that make perfect sense in childhood can continue shaping us long after the circumstances that created them have changed.
Oh, Debbie! All I wanted to do was hug little Debbie. It’s so hard having to figure things out by ourselves, especially when we are so young.
But I’m glad you found a way to deal with your emotions. Also happy and grateful that you decided to share with us!
I love it! I’m learning so much from you!
Reading this felt like receiving a hug through the screen. ❤️
Thank you.
I'm so grateful for the opportunity to share my journey with you.
What a journey you’ve been on. Thank you for being so open about your past and what you learned from it. I saw bits of myself in your story. 🙏😔
It must be why we connected so easily. The Substack universe works in mysterious ways! 🥰
Ann, from your very first comment on my Notes, I felt a strong sense of connection and alignment.❤️
Writing this post was more emotional than usual.
But after posting and reading the replies, I felt a sense of freedom and excitement.
I’m not that little girl anymore, hiding in her room reading books and dreaming about a life full of love, family, and meaningful friendships.
Step by step, I’m creating the life I want. It’s a process: things to heal, fears to overcome, and much to learn.
And this journey has brought me to so many beautiful people who align with what I value.
I’m feeling so grateful today.🙏
I am truly happy for the trajectory you’ve placed yourself on. This week I’ve been dealing with people in my life that have activated a lot of old patterns. People I care for and love, but the relationship feels more like an obligation, and in situations that for many reasons I can’t walk away. My grownup self is doing a lot of heavy lifting for my inner child who just wants to curl up and cry. I did 😭 and I leaned in to see what part of me still needs a soft place to land. And I am grateful that Substack has become part of that landing. I appreciate you and what you share so much. 🙏❤️
I am part of a self-development group here in Brazil.
One of the things I've learned is that when I choose to grow, many people in my current circle can't or don't want to come along.
People are attached to the version of yourself they know. They need you to stay the same.
I had to completely cut ties with some people because I now have higher standards about how I want to be treated.
With others, we still talk, but it's just a surface-level conversation because we don't have much in common (besides the fact that we care about each other).
The most surprising change that happened is that when I made these changes, I created a void, and it was filled with new people who align with the current version of myself.
That sounds like a wonderful group to be a part of. I totally can see how people around you wants you to stay the same or to meet their expectations. This week a dear elderly friend (who is also my landlady and lives below me) has...how should I say...weaponized the word "family" to maybe guilt me into doing more for her than I feel comfortable with. I feel for her, she lost her husband a few years ago and has been going down hill ever since. She's been a great friend and almost mother figure, but with her mental health deterioration, it has eroded our friendship also. Holding that boundary and managing what's come up for me has been so difficult. And because of our living situation, cutting ties is more complicated. I've been in the personal growth space on Substack, reading about "abandoning of the self" and being reminded that "I don't have to absorb this." I've taken in what you wrote here and will stay optimistic that things will evolve and I'll just keep on following my heart and continue to grow from this experiences.
That seems like a delicate situation.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I know how hard it is. ❤️
The thing with setting limits is that it may lead to undesirable consequences.
Setting limits was always hard. About two years ago, I decided I need to do it with everyone.
In some cases it was effortless.
But I had one friend who didn't take it well. We don't speak any more. She only wanted my old version, the one she could feel superior to.
For me, it was a shock, and I felt a huge loss. I still feel the sadness sometimes. I was also surprised with my determination not to stay in a situation I had outgrown.
But the sense of freedom I felt after everything was said and done was bigger than the sadness.
I'll write a post about this, it's already on my content calendar.
Thank you for sharing, Ann.❤️
I am inspired by your determination. ❤️
This took courage to write.
What you described about your father, that his encouragement was the ceiling of what he could offer, stayed with me. He gave you the only tool he had. And you still had to build the rest yourself, at night, alone, with a mantra and a hope that sleep would reset things.
That's not a small thing to have carried.
The cycle of avoidance, explosion, and distraction. That's not a character flaw. That's a nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do in an environment where emotions weren't safe.
The fact that you can now see anger as information, guilt as a signal, depression as an outgrown skin, that's not a small shift. That took real work.
You connected your own dots. That matters.
I'm looking forward to the series. 🤍
You know that button that says “Send to everyone now”?
It was a little harder to press this time.
But after I hit publish, I felt a sense of lightness and freedom.
I’m so excited and so grateful to have amazing people like you along for the journey.
I'm also looking forward to the guest post you are preparing for the series. ❤️